Learning how to forgive someone isn’t something you may have mastered at school, yet it’s an essential life skill that helps you move through challenges and past difficult people. Forgiving others is how you learn to forgive yourself and accept that people are flawed.
But how do you forgive when it feels impossible? How do you move forward or find the silver lining when you feel nothing but resentment and anger at what someone has done to you?
What Is Forgiveness and Why Does It Matter?
To forgive someone doesn’t mean you say that what they did to you is now okay. It’s not about excusing someone’s behavior or forgetting how they wronged you. Instead, forgiving is about letting go of the emotional bond that the anger and hate have on you.
By forgiving, you release bitterness, pouring all the negativity out of yourself so you can enjoy freedom and positivity in life. It’s about you, not about them. You’re not saying what happened is okay — you’re prioritizing your mental health and inner peace and moving on.
The Benefits of Forgiveness
When you forgive, it’s the release of a massive burden. Forgiveness can change your life because it:
- Reduces stress: The negativity of dwelling on the wrongdoing is an emotional trigger that increases cortisol levels because you feel stressed and threatened when you hold onto feeling aggrieved. When you let go of that emotional response through a process of forgiveness, your brain feels more relaxed.
- Boosts mental clarity: Dwelling on the past creates speed bumps in your mind, and letting go of resentment levels the road so you can think more clearly.
- Strengthens relationships: Forgiving frees up memory and thought power, which means you have more of yourself to invest in friendships and relationships. People in your life no longer have to share you with the ghosts of the past you have forgiven.
- Increases happiness: Holding grudges chains you to the person you resent, trapping you in a cycle of pain. As long as you remain stuck in a trap of bitterness, you can’t ever be happy, but when you let go, you rediscover happiness.
- Revitalizes your physical health: Since anger and grudge-holding create a stressful environment, letting go also means better physical health. When you relax more and feel at peace, you’re less likely to suffer a stroke or heart attack.
The Opposite of Forgiveness — Holding a Grudge
When you have a rigid mindset, you lose a growth mindset, which means you become trapped by negative cyclical thoughts. Hatred and negativity or holding grudges can help create this fixed mindset, and it often happens because you can’t let go and move on. The unpleasant experience of the past that you should forgive continues to occupy your mind, and you may even struggle with self-forgiveness.
The Negative Effects of Grudge Holding
Holding grudges has many adverse effects since your mindset locks onto painful events and memories. It’s like drinking poison, hoping the person who wronged you will face misfortune, only it’s you who suffers. When you refuse to forgive, you:
- Feel emotionally drained: Not letting go leads to bitterness and resentment saps your energy and joy.
- Suffer increasing anxiety and depression: A negative state of mind leads to anxiety and other mental health challenges.
- Experience relationship strains: Holding a grudge makes you grumpy, which affects the people in your life.
- Endure declining health: Chronic anger can lead to headaches, high blood pressure and frequent illness.
7 Steps on the Road of How to Forgive Someone
When you realize you must let go and move forward and that your negative feelings over being wronged are ruining your life, you may have to face the fact that forgiveness is about you and that you need it. Learning to forgive someone is about what you bring to the situation and what you leave with, not whether the other person “deserves” forgiveness.
Here are the steps to help you forgive, even if you don’t want to. You may need to repeat them several times for genuine compassion and acceptance to take effect:
1. Own the Hurt
Acknowledge what happened, facing the pain boldly and without seeking retribution. Be honest about who played what part in the hurtful situation. A journal is an excellent tool for finding clarity and to unburden yourself. It’s also helpful if a trusted friend can be your sounding board.
Remember that it’s not about assigning blame — examine the wound you suffered and decide what it needs to heal.
2. Consider the Harm Resentment Causes
Now look at the impact that hanging onto that pain has caused in your life. See how it affects the people around you and destroys your joy. You’ve been digging into the wound, preventing it from closing by constantly thinking of how wronged you’ve been or how they’ve mistreated you.
If you don’t think it hurts you, keep a diary and write down every negative thought you have each day, recording what causes that thought. Often, it will lead back to the anger you feel over your hurt.
3. Decide You Will Embrace Forgiveness
Forgiving someone is a choice you make. It’s not about waiting until you are ready. Instead, it’s like taking a deep breath and stepping off the dive plank into the pool of life. Decide that you will let the wound go, forgive the person who caused you pain and release yourself from the burden of negativity.
Remember that you’ve chosen to let go each time your mind drifts back to the event or the painful experience. It’s like your tongue poking at a space if you lose a tooth. It’s a habit, and that pain has been part of your life — like a rotten tooth — for so long. Remind yourself to stop poking and just let go.
4. Face Your Feelings
You may not instantly feel better when you forgive. It’s a process, like peeling an onion, and you’re likely to feel some pretty intense emotions while you’re stripping away the layers of trauma. Having someone to talk with is vital to helping you heal. You’d see a doctor for a deep open wound, so why not visit a mental health professional to help your emotional wounds heal?
5. Discover Your Empathy
Here comes the hard part — finding empathy with the other person. Seeing their humanity and pain may be the last thing on your mind, but it’s part of your healing process. Place yourself in their shoes, feel their emotions and think about how they deal with the situation. Don’t superimpose your belief about their feelings onto the problem. See them, and now forgive them.
6. Release Expectations of Reconciliation
While you’ve forgiven that person, it doesn’t mean you must spend time with them. You may never get an apology, acknowledgment, or closure, and that’s okay. Instead, accept that the release is an act of self-love to free yourself from the burden of resentment. Forgiveness is about you — given by you because you are worthy of peace of mind.
7. Practice Self-Compassion
Be kind to yourself while you undergo this process. Forgiving yourself is more complex than letting go of someone else’s role. Resentment likes to stick around, so watch that it doesn’t turn about and latch onto you with hurtful feelings toward yourself.
Engaging in self-care is a good way to release the emotional and physiological strain of this difficult time. Sleep more, eat healthily, and meditate with humming, Bhramari pranayama, or deep breathing. This is a great way to stimulate the vagus nerve and reset your parasympathetic nervous system, releasing stress and decreasing cortisol levels.
How Do You Forgive Someone When It Feels Impossible?
Forgiveness can be challenging. It’s essential to realize that forgiveness has nothing to do with the person who harmed you. See the person as separate from the hurtful act, but set boundaries. If that person is unhealthy for you, you decide what part — if any — they have in your life.
Remain mindful and aware of your thoughts and feelings. Process emotions as they happen, which stops them from overwhelming you. Use your anger constructively with things like exercising, volunteering and pursuing a hobby. And if the pain keeps eating at you, it’s time to seek professional help if you haven’t already.
Start by Forgiving Yourself
Forgiveness is a powerful act of self-care that frees you from the weight of anger and resentment. By letting go, you reclaim your inner peace and take charge of your emotional well-being, allowing you to focus on yourself and the relationships and moments that truly enrich your life.
Use forgiveness to create space for healing, joy and growth. It’s likely the most challenging thing you’ve ever done, but the reward — a healthy and tranquil state of mind — is worth it.
Photo by NADER AYMAN on Unsplash
This is a collaborative post supporting our Peace In Peace Out initiative.